my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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