I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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