So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I need moral support for this bender
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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