just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just puked most of my soul out..
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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