if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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