Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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