apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
