Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
