some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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