Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You were trust falling into bushes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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