he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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