Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
