i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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