Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
