I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
