He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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