how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
