He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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