Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I need help removing her.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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