Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
