i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My cat gives me a boner
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
