two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
