I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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