I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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