my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
