Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I think I just sharted jello shots
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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