I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
