y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
this hospital has no fireball
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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