The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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