i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
