I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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