Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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