Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize