I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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