There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize