if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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