My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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