I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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