I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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