Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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