The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
