plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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