I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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