I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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