i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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