I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
