...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
