you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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