and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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