I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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