if you like me you must not know who I am
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
