there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
