I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
