my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
