I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
