Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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