This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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