Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
