Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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