Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
